WHEN YOU PUSH TİME AND STİLL DOESNT FLOW

 Time is flowing endlessly. And I am just writing right down here. Do I have pain, do I have really a life? I am crying for other people because I don't have anything but empty. I missed my life. I missed actually experience. True life experience. And my expectations making me upset but not determined. I have never been able to out of my comfort zone. Is this a life, without doing a mistake? I don't feel alive. Just numbness. And I am truly deep in movies and books. I hope that things fill a space that I cannot fill in my so safety world. I used to be free. I used to be bold. I used to be an idiot but yet something. Something can change. Evil in the same time angel. I used to be hopeful about my future. Now I look at the mirror ( very rarely cuz I hate mirror, it reminds me how ınsolvent ı am.) just seeing a person gave up, still trying to so hard. It hurts. It so much hurts like you can't imagine. when ı couldn't be that ı want ı tried to be good, a harmless person. And that became me an important, invisible person.
     I am trying, ı am drowning and when ı pushed so hard basically ı am dying. ı don't know what to do. I know ı wasted myself. ı am wasting in everyday. Even ı am writing this in English because ı can't be honest myself. But ı need to hear those words from myself. Because trust me no one ever will. My life journey has been turned into a long lonely road which ı don't know where it begins and will end. I felt always alone. I never had someone who can say what is best for me. I met a lot of people but they were just selfish. I never expect anyone from anything. And in the end, ı became what ı expected; a ghost. I wonder if this is really what I wanted? I am nobody even my parents. A stranger doesn't know how to approach them. They don't feel much like parent. We just imitate the others. Someday it really works, like true. But the other days, which is mostly, it sucks. And somedays somehow the sky is falling down. I  am smashing by it, time flows endlessly. There is no escape. There is nothing to break that cruel circle.

    Song suggestion: Teoman - Paramparça      https://youtu.be/lh4lMzVcM8A